Has it really been over a year since I last posted?
For someone who loves to read, write, express opinions and share with the world intero; I am shocked and embarrassed to be writing after such a long time – even as I type this, I am halting every few seconds with bouts of uncertainty.
I contracted this disease you see, and the longer I left it untreated; the bigger and more infected I became…and the name of this illness is F.E.A.R.
WHEN SELF DOUBT HITS YOU HARD…
I kid you not, I could sit here and write a million excuses for not producing content that I love and am passionate about, but the truth is that I let this part of me take over the rest of my being.
So why did I become frozen with fear?
The fear of too much competition
The fear of no one liking my content
The fear of not having enough blogging/ vlogging skills
The fear of my photography being snubbed
The fear of not being good enough
And this is the crux of it all, of not being good enough… this fear is so clever, so silent and so utterly destructive because I didn’t even see it coming – it started with small little doubts niggling at the back of my brain, which continued to grow until it made me incapable of sitting down to write or upload anything at all.
It has taken this long to admit to myself how bad the situation is and also to question whether this is something I want to continue and move forward with or whether it’s time to close this chapter of my life.
So here I am, completely naked in front of you all, uttering these words (figuratively speaking) with no frills, no excuses, and no lies.
I failed myself.
I failed to continue doing something because I have let the fear of not succeeding get in my way far too many times – I have let it beat me into a corner for too long and so I finally am facing my demons and have concluded that I am NOT READY TO GIVE UP YET.
I AM stronger than this, and I can CONQUER it. It won’t be easy, and it will take time, which is why I need to concentrate on being persistent in pursuing my dreams, writing when I feel passionate and beating down this monster with my determination and sheer will.
NOTES TO SELF ON IMPROVING MY STATE OF MIND…
– I have thought through writing a daily mini program for myself where I will list and say out loud positive sentences to train my mind in believing in itself until I no longer need to.
– Try writing at least an hour every morning before starting work until this becomes a habit I can no longer go without.
– Aiming daily – even if just for half an hour – to learn something new on editing and social media skills so I don’t feel like I am out of my depth.
– I have promised myself to upload at least once a week; and build up to twice, then thrice whereby I hope sharing my passion with the world will bring a little more good into it.
– Disconnect from all technology for at least 1-2 hours a day and go for a run/walk/hike (but most likely shopping!!)
– I find music is a great mood changer so definitely will look to incorporate some loud music into my day where I dance around my apartment like a clown!
– Keeping a daily list is essential and I am promising myself that I will look to utilising my diary more rather than it just look pretty on my desk.
– Try to sleep at a decent hour so that I can wake up earlier and be more productive (I am a morning person at heart)
– Know when to cut yourself off from work – so if I am starting to work earlier in the morning then I need to have a set cut-off time, say 6pm, where I let all things “work” related go and get myself into some “me-time” mode.
– Try to have some “me” time – away from everyone – read, do some meditation, soak in a bath – anything that will help clear my mind and ultimately, give me more clarity.
If you have read up until now, then thank you for staying with me! 🙂